An Open Letter to the People of the Middle East

I feel like I've spent ample time that I can say a few things that are on my mind to my new "friends", so here goes....

Dear People of the Middle East

I get it. Our cultures of different. You probably think I'm a crazy, sloppy, hamburger eating, beer swigging, cursing American and you happen to be right! There are just a few things I've noticed about your culture that I'd like to get off my chest.

1. Please don't ask me questions that I can't answer. Case in point: A young lady in a burqua (The long black dress that covers EVERYTHING but the eyes)wants me to save her one of the Grand Opening gifts that we set aside for the press. When I tell her I will try, but I can't make any promises. She ignores me. "I'll be back tomorrow," she says, "remember my face" WHAT?! I can't even see your face!

2. It is impolite to stare. I know you've seen fat people before, they're everywhere. I'm not the first American or Westerner either, I've seen a ton. I also know that it's not because I'm not fully covered because I was walking behind that girl in the mall in the tank top and mini skirt. If we make eye contact, I will smile. If you continue to stare, we will have a staring contest. I will win.

3. It is UNACCEPTABLE for you to leave your developmentally and physically disabled family member in a corner in their wheelchair. I cannot even begin to describe how heartbreaking this looks. You are not supposed to bring your cousin/brother/son in the wheelchair to the mall to hold your bags. I am not easily angered....this did it.

4. It is equally unacceptable for you to leave your crying child crouching outside the store because you just HAD to go in and buy something. Seriously, if you kid is that upset, take him home. I'm also in shock over the 20+ people who walked by the poor kid while he cried. I finally stopped him and asked if he knew where his mommy was. Poor kid thought I was crazy.

5. On the subject of parenting, please don't let your children play on the escalator. Haven't you seen Mallrats? Kids get stuck and hurt! By the way, did you know that a mall is a place to shop, not a playground/day care center?

6. Okay. I find the women's clothing of the middle east beautiful. A traditional burqua or an abaya can be lovely. What I don't get is wearing thousands of dollars worth of clothing under it when you don't have to. I get the religious reasons for wearing them and really dressing up underneath, but those of you who dress up, then just put on the robe open. You don't close it or cover your hair, so clearly you don't have to. You kind of look like Hogwarts Arabian Style.

7. When I'm being helped by a salesperson and your next in line, stay back. People have personal space bubbles. So if your next, stand behind me...not next to me. Also, you are not more important than me. If you need to pay the salesperson and I'm being helped wait your f*cking turn.

8. And to the salesperson, don't let them bully you!

9. You all walk so slow and relaxed through the mall. You take your time and have a nice jaunt. You also just randomly stop and take up the entire aisle so no one else can get through.

10. If you have no place to go and your just hanging at the mall, quit being so impatient while in line. (See number 7)

11. Ladies, ladies, ladies....you do not need anymore make-up. It's called "eyeliner" not "around the eye to the middle of my nose-liner" Also, maybe it's just me, but I like to wash my hands after I use the restroom, your re-application and refusal to move so I can have proper hygiene is annoying.

12. Also, only Amy Winehouse can get away with that hair...and just barely

13. Just because someone looks like they might Russian it doesn't mean they're a prostitute. Also, it's probably a good idea to really make sure someone is a prostitute before you offer them money for sex.


I guess it's pretty apparent that I'll never make the Middle East my home. I'm far too American for that. But you, my Middle Eastern friends, love everything American. So, enjoy your Big Macs, Venti Skim Vanilla Lattes, Gap jeans and Pinkberry here in the Gulf Coast countries and I'll go enjoy those same things back in the good ole U S of A.

With peace, love and respect,
Heather