Moving My Blog

Hello Followers...
For those of you who are still interested in my stories, challenges and triumphs, I just wanted to let you know my blog is moving!

You can now follow me and read all about my adventures at www.strungoutrunner.blogspot.com

Since most of my adventures now have to do with running, I will be posting there.

This one will still be open and I may post stories that are not fitness related, but we'll see =D

Hope to see you at the other blog!

Thanks for your support!
Heather

An Open Letter to the People of the Middle East

I feel like I've spent ample time that I can say a few things that are on my mind to my new "friends", so here goes....

Dear People of the Middle East

I get it. Our cultures of different. You probably think I'm a crazy, sloppy, hamburger eating, beer swigging, cursing American and you happen to be right! There are just a few things I've noticed about your culture that I'd like to get off my chest.

1. Please don't ask me questions that I can't answer. Case in point: A young lady in a burqua (The long black dress that covers EVERYTHING but the eyes)wants me to save her one of the Grand Opening gifts that we set aside for the press. When I tell her I will try, but I can't make any promises. She ignores me. "I'll be back tomorrow," she says, "remember my face" WHAT?! I can't even see your face!

2. It is impolite to stare. I know you've seen fat people before, they're everywhere. I'm not the first American or Westerner either, I've seen a ton. I also know that it's not because I'm not fully covered because I was walking behind that girl in the mall in the tank top and mini skirt. If we make eye contact, I will smile. If you continue to stare, we will have a staring contest. I will win.

3. It is UNACCEPTABLE for you to leave your developmentally and physically disabled family member in a corner in their wheelchair. I cannot even begin to describe how heartbreaking this looks. You are not supposed to bring your cousin/brother/son in the wheelchair to the mall to hold your bags. I am not easily angered....this did it.

4. It is equally unacceptable for you to leave your crying child crouching outside the store because you just HAD to go in and buy something. Seriously, if you kid is that upset, take him home. I'm also in shock over the 20+ people who walked by the poor kid while he cried. I finally stopped him and asked if he knew where his mommy was. Poor kid thought I was crazy.

5. On the subject of parenting, please don't let your children play on the escalator. Haven't you seen Mallrats? Kids get stuck and hurt! By the way, did you know that a mall is a place to shop, not a playground/day care center?

6. Okay. I find the women's clothing of the middle east beautiful. A traditional burqua or an abaya can be lovely. What I don't get is wearing thousands of dollars worth of clothing under it when you don't have to. I get the religious reasons for wearing them and really dressing up underneath, but those of you who dress up, then just put on the robe open. You don't close it or cover your hair, so clearly you don't have to. You kind of look like Hogwarts Arabian Style.

7. When I'm being helped by a salesperson and your next in line, stay back. People have personal space bubbles. So if your next, stand behind me...not next to me. Also, you are not more important than me. If you need to pay the salesperson and I'm being helped wait your f*cking turn.

8. And to the salesperson, don't let them bully you!

9. You all walk so slow and relaxed through the mall. You take your time and have a nice jaunt. You also just randomly stop and take up the entire aisle so no one else can get through.

10. If you have no place to go and your just hanging at the mall, quit being so impatient while in line. (See number 7)

11. Ladies, ladies, ladies....you do not need anymore make-up. It's called "eyeliner" not "around the eye to the middle of my nose-liner" Also, maybe it's just me, but I like to wash my hands after I use the restroom, your re-application and refusal to move so I can have proper hygiene is annoying.

12. Also, only Amy Winehouse can get away with that hair...and just barely

13. Just because someone looks like they might Russian it doesn't mean they're a prostitute. Also, it's probably a good idea to really make sure someone is a prostitute before you offer them money for sex.


I guess it's pretty apparent that I'll never make the Middle East my home. I'm far too American for that. But you, my Middle Eastern friends, love everything American. So, enjoy your Big Macs, Venti Skim Vanilla Lattes, Gap jeans and Pinkberry here in the Gulf Coast countries and I'll go enjoy those same things back in the good ole U S of A.

With peace, love and respect,
Heather

Adventures in Bahrain (so far)

So I arrived in Bahrain VERY early Friday morning....the excitement hasn't stopped since...

Friday 2/5/10-I wake up in the afternoon, jet lag still not overcome, to the 10 screaming children in the room next door. (I'm not sure if it's really 10, but it sounded like 10). We have door bells on our hotel rooms, they are pressing their door bell over and over and over and over and over...you get the picture! There may have been some monkey's in there as well, I can't be sure. After smelling smoke and figuring out that I am on a smoking floor, I call downstairs and move.

Saturday 2/6/10-Still don't have the jet lag in check. After working until 4pm, I get back to the hotel and my key doesn't work. I tell them I'm staying until the 24th, please make my key work for my entire stay. I manage to stay awake until 6pm, sleep until 11pm. I then wake up until 3am. I sleep until 6am.

Sunday 2/7/10-Dragging ASS! My key doesn't work. I get back to the hotel at 4pm and fall asleep even though there is a LOUD soccer match going on at the youth hostel next door. Again, I sleep until 11pm, stay up until 3am and sleep until 6am. I think I'm getting closer?

Monday 2/8/10- I feel good all day and then the most amazing thing happens! I meet the Guiness Book of World Record holder for longest mustache! His name is Mohammed and he has been growing his mustache for 30 years! I pay 5 Bahrain Dinar (approx 15 bucks) to get my picture taken with him, but he uses his own camera and made me a print AND let me take pictures with my camera! I am literally giddy as I go back to my hotel room. Once there, strange things occur.
First of all, there is a man singing outside my window. No, I am not being serenaded. There is a bar or restaurant or something and they play LOUD middle eastern music that resembles the call to pray until about 11 pm.
Secondly, ONE of my slippers is missing. Yes, you heard me right ONE. I'm not sure how one slipper goes missing, but after looking EVERYWHERE I still can't find it. I find this odd and call the front desk.
I feel like Aldous Snow in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, " I've lost a shoe... have you seen it anywhere? Excuse me, missus, I've lost a shoe... like this one. It's like this one's fellow... it's sort of the exact opposite in fact of that - not an evil version but just, you know, a shoe like this... but for the other foot. Otherwise I'd have two right... "
The front desk sends up a man to look for it. He looks in all the same places I did.
Then they send up someone else, she does the same thing. She tells me, "My collegue cleaned your room and said she only saw one."
So I say, "Hey, maybe you could look in the laundry, maybe my towel was on the floor and the slipper got into the towel."

I go to bed at 10pm and at 11pm my doorbell rings. There's the lady with my slipper. For any of you who have had the pleasure of waking me up out of a dead sleep, you know she did not get a good reaction.
In fact, I'm not sure she got any reaction because what I remember is:
-Yelling "I'm coming" as she rang the doorbell for the second time (for the record, the room is big and it's kind of a jaunt to the door-especially out of a dead sleep)
-Looking at her, quite possibly out of half-opened eyes, like she is crazy
-Her apologizing
-Me grabbing my slipper
-I may or may not have said thank you
-I close the door and go back to sleep.
I also did not remember any of this until I saw the other slipper this morning.

Tuesday 2/9/10- My key doesn't work, the man is singing again...but I have two slippers

Proof That My Brain Never Stops

This blog is dedicated to Stacy and Shannon (their real names!)

I like to act like an easy going person, but in reality, my brain is always going in 20 different directions. I even have really vivid dreams. I bought a Dream Dictionary so I could figure out what the two-story Victorian surrounded with lava meant. (Apparently lava = passion?)

Anyway, my brain is so active when I sleep, I like to talk to people. I do my best "sleep talking" when I'm in that in between state. You know, not total REM. It's great, I'm asleep enough to make a total jackass of myself, but awake enough to remember that I said something so ridiculous, even I get embarrassed.

The following are true stories...enjoy them, I know Shannon and Stacy have gotten YEARS of belly laughs out of them.

Mid 80's
I'm 8 or 9, there is going to be a lunar eclipse. I INSIST that my mom and dad wake me up so I can see it. When my mom comes into my room and tells me "it's time to go see the moon". I start to talk to the moon. No, really.
"I'll be there in a minute, Moon!" "Just one minute, Moon!"
I remember seeing the eclipse, but my mom insists that I was asleep the whole time.

Fast forward 8 years....

1990
My parents will let me go TP the houses of the boys who recently TP'd ours, but I have to do it before midnight. Yeah, right! My friends and I come up with a brilliant plan. We'll go out at eleven, drive around for an hour, and then at 4am Shannon will call me, we'll sneak out and really do the damn thing!
So, my phone rings at 4am and I answer, "Hello"
Shannon, "Heather, it's 4, wake up!" She knows I'm still asleep.
I say, "I can't go."
Shannon, "Why?"
I say, "My mom's up"
Shannon, "Why is your mom up at 4 am?"
I say, "She's making biscuits"
I know, WTF?
Shannon, "Why is your mom making biscuits right now?"
I say, "Because she works at COC and my sister likes them."
about 5 seconds pass and I say, "Shannon? Did I just tell you my mom was making biscuits?"
Shannon, "Uh, yeah"
I say, "I'll be outside in 5 minutes"

2 years later

1992
Stacy goes on a date with a guy she really likes and I, being such a good friend, want to hear all about it. I leave her a voice mail telling her to call me no matter what time she gets home.
She does...
I say, "Hello"
She says, "Hey, were you asleep?"
I say, "No"
By the way, it's 3am
She says, "What are you doing up?"
I say, wait for it, "I'm waiting for your dad to wake up!"
Stacy says as she starts laughing, "What? Why are you waiting for my dad to wake up?"
I say, "The first one to wake up, wins!"
She says, "Heather, you're making me roll"
I say, and now I'm angry, "Why am I rolling?"
about 5 seconds go by..."Stac? Did I just say 'the first one who wakes up wins'?"


and about 2 years later

1994
I'm camping with Stacy and a bunch of other people. Almost everyone is asleep in the tent, including me, but Stacy and our friend, Gene are talking. Suddenly I roll over and say.....
"I know about all the bad stuff, Stacy"
Gene gets a little freaked out and looks at Stacy.
Stacy says, "Don't worry she talks in her sleep" She's obviously been down this road before.
I sit straight up and say in a perturbed voice, "I am perfectly awake, thank you! I was going to use the toilet paper on the table, but I'll save it for you guys!"
I then proceed to lay down and go to sleep.
The next morning, I remember the ENTIRE exchange.

AND at last another 2 years later...

1996
I am staying at my friend April's house and while we're having a conversation about how I talk in my sleep, but it's when I'm in between being awake and asleep it happens.

She tells me a story about when she talked in her sleep and I say....
"Yeah, like this one time on Return of the Jedi"
About 5 seconds go by and I just start laughing, because I've done it again!

I'm sure this has happened a lot more times, but not that I can remember.

Anyway, this is just proof that my brain never stops and it gives my oldest and dearest friends endless ways to make fun of me!

This one isn't humorous, but the next one will be....promise!

So, being a notorious purger/organizer (closet cleaning, purse cleaning, in box cleaning, etc), I was going through some files in my outlook today. I don't usually save emails, but for some reason I saved this one and didn't read it again....until today. I received it in May as "Life's Handbook for 2009" I've changed the date since, unbelieveably, 2009 is almost over.

I guess we save things for a reason. Somewhere in my head (and probably heart), I knew that I'd need a handbook for some of the struggles I have been and will be facing.
Big changes are afoot, my friends....I think this may be a good start.

LIFE’S HANDBOOK FOR 2010
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control.. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake..
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Why I Was Such a Good Bartender

So, for many years, I was a bartender. It was fun. I worked great hours, met awesome people and pretty much did whatever I wanted. I was a good bartender for a variety of reasons. First of all, I'm all personality; what I lacked in service skills, I made up for in humor. Secondly, I'm irreverant; the joke was almost always at my customer's expense. And lastly, I have the kind of face that people think they can just say anything to.
This last point leads me to two stories from my personal vault. Some people have an automatic kinship with animals and some with children. With me, it's always with the person you DON'T want to talk to you.
Below are just a couple of stories that prove my point.
EXHIBIT A
About 2 years ago, I went to the mall in Valencia. For those of you that know me, I'm not a frequenter of the mall. When I shop, I know what I want in my head, I go specifically to that store, buy it and leave. If it doesn't fit, I return it later. I can't be bothered to go hang out there. So on one such occasion, I had finished my quick shop and was leaving the mall after a successful purchase. I took the escalater up to the top floor exit (it's closed now, but if you're familiar with the Valencia Town Center it was the one between The Disney Store and Orange Julius). Anyway, as I ascended the escalator, I noticed a man sitting on a bench between the entrance to The Disney Store and the exit I was trying to reach. This man is a frequenter of this bench. He's in his late 20's or early 30's, extremely overweight and he is mentally retarded. As I got off the escalator, I made eye contact. Being the person I am I said, "Hello", in my most friendly and outgoing voice. I was raised to be kind to people.
The following description of what happened next is the absolute truth.
This man looked at me and at the top of his lungs began yelling, "YOU'RE A FAT BITCH! YOU'RE A FAT FUCKIN' BITCH! FUCK YOU BITCH!"
I was mortified. I started speed walking out the mall and was on the verge of tears when I made it to my car. I sat in my car and looked in the rearview mirror. The following thoughts came in rapid succession.
Thought #1
"Oh my God, everyone in that mall thinks I said something mean to provoke that poor man!"
Thought #2
"Oh, I feel horrible, he can't help himself"
and finally Thought #3
"OH MY GOD! What if that guy has insights to my soul and I AM a fat fucking bitch?"

EXHIBIT B
So, about a year ago, I was feeling super good! I felt like I had confidence written all over me. During a really productive and fun day at work, I took myself out to lunch. I went to one of my favorite places, PF Chang's at the Beverly Center. I brought a book, sat at the bar and read and ate my chicken fried rice. As I left, I remember feeling like life is good. I'm a stong, independent woman. As I was walking to my car, I got stopped at a stoplight and this woman stops next to me. I can only say she was a modern day gypsy. She looked very out of place in Beverly Hills (not that I blend), but she had shoulder length dark hair, weathered tan skin and she was wearing a skirt that would have made Stevie Nicks jealous. Anyway, she hands me a flyer and says "Do you want a reading?" Soooo, she's a psychic. I politely take her flyer and say, "No thank you, I have to go back to work."
My mother taught me manners people, but what happened next made me wish she hadn't!
This woman grabs my arm and says, "I see you!" I stop, she's a little scary and I'm frightened (and intrigued). What could she see?
"I see you!", she says again, "You don't have the luck with the sex with the mens!"
HOLY SHIT!
If she wanted me to pay her money to tell me that, she had another thing coming.
I'm an overweight, 36 year old woman who's had no plastic surgery in BEVERLY FUCKING HILLS! It doesn't take a psychic to see I couldn't get laid in that town!

So, members of the jury, I ask you, why do you think people feel they can humiliate me as I'm leaving a mall and walking to my car?

I think I have that certain something. Some people, like Dr Doolittle, have it for the animals. Some people, like my mom, have it for the kids. And I, have it for those people who don't have the power to keep it to themselves.

It's why I was a good bartender and it's just part of my charm!

Majed wants to marry me.....

So, here in the middle east, it is not okay to be gay, but gay men are EVERYWHERE! I don't know if my gaydar has been more finely tuned in the last couple years, but let's be serious....a man who works at Sephora and has an ass like J-Lo is most certainly gay....anyone can see that.
The Sephora is two doors down from the Pinkberry in the mall. When we have 10 or 15 minutes, my co-worker and I go to peruse the shelves and try perfumes to relax. The folks work on commission here, so of course we are attacked with samples and offers to help when we walk in. We're Americans in Kuwait, we obviously have money to spare...
The first time I go in, a young Egyptian man named Majed starts to help us. (they don't care Lip Injection by Two Faced here.....major disapointment) but he becomes our buddy. He offers to take my co-worker out with his friends, to the movies or for coffee. My co-worker is quick to tell him that I am single (I think it was his sneaky way of finding out if he was gay or not) and Majed kindly includes me in the invitations.
So two nights ago, my co-worker and Majed make plans to have coffee with a group of people and I tag along. Within 5 minutes of being in Majed's car he offers me $10,000 if I will marry him and take him home with me.
It is pretty sad that I paused for a moment before I laughed and said, "No!". Better to be married to get someone a green card, then never married at all? That stinks of such violent desperation that even I'm sick to my stomach....
But it becomes the joke of the evening. Majed is going to Spain for a holiday and I start teaching him some Spanish, although I'm pretty sure I know "Mexico Spanish" or "Spanglish" not proper Spanish like they speak in Spain. He introduces all of his friends as "Mi Esposa" all night.
I told him that $10,000 isn't enough, I need 3 camels as well. He said, "It's one or the other."
Apparently, camels are super expensive.
He kept telling me that my life wouldn't change.....he would do his thing (YEAH, no kidding....I don't think I've ever met anyone who would adapt so quickly into the West Hollywood scene and lifestyle--He'd be the "Bell of the Ball(s)" so to speak!)
Anyway, it wasn't my first proposal...that came in Dubai a few years back, but it was by far my most persistant. I got him up to $20,000 and 3 camels before the night was over, but still I had to reject him.
I said, "I know it sounds romantic, but I still believe that you marry someone you're in love with."
Majed replied, "That's the old-style way of thinking"
I replied, "Well then, I guess I'm old-style"
I guess I am......