Proof That My Brain Never Stops

This blog is dedicated to Stacy and Shannon (their real names!)

I like to act like an easy going person, but in reality, my brain is always going in 20 different directions. I even have really vivid dreams. I bought a Dream Dictionary so I could figure out what the two-story Victorian surrounded with lava meant. (Apparently lava = passion?)

Anyway, my brain is so active when I sleep, I like to talk to people. I do my best "sleep talking" when I'm in that in between state. You know, not total REM. It's great, I'm asleep enough to make a total jackass of myself, but awake enough to remember that I said something so ridiculous, even I get embarrassed.

The following are true stories...enjoy them, I know Shannon and Stacy have gotten YEARS of belly laughs out of them.

Mid 80's
I'm 8 or 9, there is going to be a lunar eclipse. I INSIST that my mom and dad wake me up so I can see it. When my mom comes into my room and tells me "it's time to go see the moon". I start to talk to the moon. No, really.
"I'll be there in a minute, Moon!" "Just one minute, Moon!"
I remember seeing the eclipse, but my mom insists that I was asleep the whole time.

Fast forward 8 years....

1990
My parents will let me go TP the houses of the boys who recently TP'd ours, but I have to do it before midnight. Yeah, right! My friends and I come up with a brilliant plan. We'll go out at eleven, drive around for an hour, and then at 4am Shannon will call me, we'll sneak out and really do the damn thing!
So, my phone rings at 4am and I answer, "Hello"
Shannon, "Heather, it's 4, wake up!" She knows I'm still asleep.
I say, "I can't go."
Shannon, "Why?"
I say, "My mom's up"
Shannon, "Why is your mom up at 4 am?"
I say, "She's making biscuits"
I know, WTF?
Shannon, "Why is your mom making biscuits right now?"
I say, "Because she works at COC and my sister likes them."
about 5 seconds pass and I say, "Shannon? Did I just tell you my mom was making biscuits?"
Shannon, "Uh, yeah"
I say, "I'll be outside in 5 minutes"

2 years later

1992
Stacy goes on a date with a guy she really likes and I, being such a good friend, want to hear all about it. I leave her a voice mail telling her to call me no matter what time she gets home.
She does...
I say, "Hello"
She says, "Hey, were you asleep?"
I say, "No"
By the way, it's 3am
She says, "What are you doing up?"
I say, wait for it, "I'm waiting for your dad to wake up!"
Stacy says as she starts laughing, "What? Why are you waiting for my dad to wake up?"
I say, "The first one to wake up, wins!"
She says, "Heather, you're making me roll"
I say, and now I'm angry, "Why am I rolling?"
about 5 seconds go by..."Stac? Did I just say 'the first one who wakes up wins'?"


and about 2 years later

1994
I'm camping with Stacy and a bunch of other people. Almost everyone is asleep in the tent, including me, but Stacy and our friend, Gene are talking. Suddenly I roll over and say.....
"I know about all the bad stuff, Stacy"
Gene gets a little freaked out and looks at Stacy.
Stacy says, "Don't worry she talks in her sleep" She's obviously been down this road before.
I sit straight up and say in a perturbed voice, "I am perfectly awake, thank you! I was going to use the toilet paper on the table, but I'll save it for you guys!"
I then proceed to lay down and go to sleep.
The next morning, I remember the ENTIRE exchange.

AND at last another 2 years later...

1996
I am staying at my friend April's house and while we're having a conversation about how I talk in my sleep, but it's when I'm in between being awake and asleep it happens.

She tells me a story about when she talked in her sleep and I say....
"Yeah, like this one time on Return of the Jedi"
About 5 seconds go by and I just start laughing, because I've done it again!

I'm sure this has happened a lot more times, but not that I can remember.

Anyway, this is just proof that my brain never stops and it gives my oldest and dearest friends endless ways to make fun of me!

This one isn't humorous, but the next one will be....promise!

So, being a notorious purger/organizer (closet cleaning, purse cleaning, in box cleaning, etc), I was going through some files in my outlook today. I don't usually save emails, but for some reason I saved this one and didn't read it again....until today. I received it in May as "Life's Handbook for 2009" I've changed the date since, unbelieveably, 2009 is almost over.

I guess we save things for a reason. Somewhere in my head (and probably heart), I knew that I'd need a handbook for some of the struggles I have been and will be facing.
Big changes are afoot, my friends....I think this may be a good start.

LIFE’S HANDBOOK FOR 2010
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2008.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about. 12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control.. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake..
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Why I Was Such a Good Bartender

So, for many years, I was a bartender. It was fun. I worked great hours, met awesome people and pretty much did whatever I wanted. I was a good bartender for a variety of reasons. First of all, I'm all personality; what I lacked in service skills, I made up for in humor. Secondly, I'm irreverant; the joke was almost always at my customer's expense. And lastly, I have the kind of face that people think they can just say anything to.
This last point leads me to two stories from my personal vault. Some people have an automatic kinship with animals and some with children. With me, it's always with the person you DON'T want to talk to you.
Below are just a couple of stories that prove my point.
EXHIBIT A
About 2 years ago, I went to the mall in Valencia. For those of you that know me, I'm not a frequenter of the mall. When I shop, I know what I want in my head, I go specifically to that store, buy it and leave. If it doesn't fit, I return it later. I can't be bothered to go hang out there. So on one such occasion, I had finished my quick shop and was leaving the mall after a successful purchase. I took the escalater up to the top floor exit (it's closed now, but if you're familiar with the Valencia Town Center it was the one between The Disney Store and Orange Julius). Anyway, as I ascended the escalator, I noticed a man sitting on a bench between the entrance to The Disney Store and the exit I was trying to reach. This man is a frequenter of this bench. He's in his late 20's or early 30's, extremely overweight and he is mentally retarded. As I got off the escalator, I made eye contact. Being the person I am I said, "Hello", in my most friendly and outgoing voice. I was raised to be kind to people.
The following description of what happened next is the absolute truth.
This man looked at me and at the top of his lungs began yelling, "YOU'RE A FAT BITCH! YOU'RE A FAT FUCKIN' BITCH! FUCK YOU BITCH!"
I was mortified. I started speed walking out the mall and was on the verge of tears when I made it to my car. I sat in my car and looked in the rearview mirror. The following thoughts came in rapid succession.
Thought #1
"Oh my God, everyone in that mall thinks I said something mean to provoke that poor man!"
Thought #2
"Oh, I feel horrible, he can't help himself"
and finally Thought #3
"OH MY GOD! What if that guy has insights to my soul and I AM a fat fucking bitch?"

EXHIBIT B
So, about a year ago, I was feeling super good! I felt like I had confidence written all over me. During a really productive and fun day at work, I took myself out to lunch. I went to one of my favorite places, PF Chang's at the Beverly Center. I brought a book, sat at the bar and read and ate my chicken fried rice. As I left, I remember feeling like life is good. I'm a stong, independent woman. As I was walking to my car, I got stopped at a stoplight and this woman stops next to me. I can only say she was a modern day gypsy. She looked very out of place in Beverly Hills (not that I blend), but she had shoulder length dark hair, weathered tan skin and she was wearing a skirt that would have made Stevie Nicks jealous. Anyway, she hands me a flyer and says "Do you want a reading?" Soooo, she's a psychic. I politely take her flyer and say, "No thank you, I have to go back to work."
My mother taught me manners people, but what happened next made me wish she hadn't!
This woman grabs my arm and says, "I see you!" I stop, she's a little scary and I'm frightened (and intrigued). What could she see?
"I see you!", she says again, "You don't have the luck with the sex with the mens!"
HOLY SHIT!
If she wanted me to pay her money to tell me that, she had another thing coming.
I'm an overweight, 36 year old woman who's had no plastic surgery in BEVERLY FUCKING HILLS! It doesn't take a psychic to see I couldn't get laid in that town!

So, members of the jury, I ask you, why do you think people feel they can humiliate me as I'm leaving a mall and walking to my car?

I think I have that certain something. Some people, like Dr Doolittle, have it for the animals. Some people, like my mom, have it for the kids. And I, have it for those people who don't have the power to keep it to themselves.

It's why I was a good bartender and it's just part of my charm!

Majed wants to marry me.....

So, here in the middle east, it is not okay to be gay, but gay men are EVERYWHERE! I don't know if my gaydar has been more finely tuned in the last couple years, but let's be serious....a man who works at Sephora and has an ass like J-Lo is most certainly gay....anyone can see that.
The Sephora is two doors down from the Pinkberry in the mall. When we have 10 or 15 minutes, my co-worker and I go to peruse the shelves and try perfumes to relax. The folks work on commission here, so of course we are attacked with samples and offers to help when we walk in. We're Americans in Kuwait, we obviously have money to spare...
The first time I go in, a young Egyptian man named Majed starts to help us. (they don't care Lip Injection by Two Faced here.....major disapointment) but he becomes our buddy. He offers to take my co-worker out with his friends, to the movies or for coffee. My co-worker is quick to tell him that I am single (I think it was his sneaky way of finding out if he was gay or not) and Majed kindly includes me in the invitations.
So two nights ago, my co-worker and Majed make plans to have coffee with a group of people and I tag along. Within 5 minutes of being in Majed's car he offers me $10,000 if I will marry him and take him home with me.
It is pretty sad that I paused for a moment before I laughed and said, "No!". Better to be married to get someone a green card, then never married at all? That stinks of such violent desperation that even I'm sick to my stomach....
But it becomes the joke of the evening. Majed is going to Spain for a holiday and I start teaching him some Spanish, although I'm pretty sure I know "Mexico Spanish" or "Spanglish" not proper Spanish like they speak in Spain. He introduces all of his friends as "Mi Esposa" all night.
I told him that $10,000 isn't enough, I need 3 camels as well. He said, "It's one or the other."
Apparently, camels are super expensive.
He kept telling me that my life wouldn't change.....he would do his thing (YEAH, no kidding....I don't think I've ever met anyone who would adapt so quickly into the West Hollywood scene and lifestyle--He'd be the "Bell of the Ball(s)" so to speak!)
Anyway, it wasn't my first proposal...that came in Dubai a few years back, but it was by far my most persistant. I got him up to $20,000 and 3 camels before the night was over, but still I had to reject him.
I said, "I know it sounds romantic, but I still believe that you marry someone you're in love with."
Majed replied, "That's the old-style way of thinking"
I replied, "Well then, I guess I'm old-style"
I guess I am......

In Kuwait, I Really Am a Piece of Meat

So, I've been in Kuwait for almost 3 weeks and it's been a culture shock to say the least. People stare at me, the Team Members in the store say it's for any number of reasons, but mostly because I look like an American. (although 3 times I've been spoken to in Arabic and surprised the person when I didn't understand). Anyway, I was starting to feel like a piece of meat. Men just stare, it's their thing. The culture isn't the same here. The kids as well. Little kids who have never seen a white person, let alone one who smiles and makes eye contact. It's strange for them. I think I scare them. But, I've never felt more like a piece of meat than I did yesterday.
You see, R, the multi-unit manager, is getting married to N. N is lovely, funny and sweet. Her mom is the manager of a health club and N generously offered my co-worker and I free massages. Of course, we were like HELL YES! I mean, we've been running around like crazy people, doing $9000 in sales a day.
So, yesterday was my day off....I decided to go for it and get the massage. It was the most surreal, sitcom-like experience of my life.
Let me give you a little back story. I NEEDED this massage. Lu and I went to get massages the Sunday before I left, needless to say, it didn't happen. Some crazy explanation about a mistake in the reservation booking and a free mini-facial later, Lu and I were sent on our way with $100 gift cards and a desire to get good and drunk. So, I was sooooo looking forward to yesterdays massage.
The Health Club was super nice. Water aerobics going on in the main pool, a gorgeous gym with any and every machine you can imagine and even a track. N asked me if I had a towel. I replied that in the states, they supply all of that for us and asked if she could maybe find me one. N took me to the room and told the masseuse that I was to get a one hour massage. She did and I went into the room after asking if I should wear my underwear or be naked like home. N told me I could wear underwear or nothing, whichever I was more comfortable in. I am naked at home, so I thought, "Why not?". The room was not what I expected....it was cold, like a room made of cinder blocks....it kind of looked like a jail cell, nothing to make it relaxing like muted colors, soft music, plants....just a table a chair and a very scary and strange machine in the corner.
And to top it all of, the masseuse never left the room.....she put butcher paper, like the kind at a doctor's office on the massage table....and in broken english kept saying, "You get ready, lay down". So, I sucked it up and got naked, she probably sees this all the time. I lay down on the table (paper covered) on my stomach and draped the towel over my back and more importantly my ass.
The masseuse said "No, other side" I proceeded to flip over and cover my torso with the towel.
Here's where it gets exciting.......
She walks over to the table, adjusts my towel so it only covers my vajayjay and squeezes baby oil all over my legs. At this point, she proceeds to literally tenderize me while saying "Is nice? Is nice?" "This first time massage?"
I was in shock, she not only did this crazy baby oil (I think she used two bottles) rubdown, but she did it to my stomach as well. Have any of you EVER had a stomach massage? My boobs were flailing around like they were going to flag down a cab on a New York City corner. It WAS NOT pretty.
Again she asks, "Is nice?"
This goes on for another 30-35 minutes where she has me flip over half way through and just completly loses the towel...I mean, butt ass, freezing naked as a jay bird and jiggling like jello all over the table as she proceeds to give me the LEAST relaxing massage of my life.
THEN...yes it gets better, she pulls out some crazy massage machine and rubs it on my calves before it shorts out or something. As she does it she asks "Is nice?" I am pretending to be asleep because I want her to stop talking.
She says "Machine broken, okay?"
I say "Yes, it's okay"
She says "Massage done, next time you come, use machine"
I say "Okay, no problem, mafi mushkeela(no problem in Arabic)"
She says "You mad?"
I say "No, no mad"
In the meantime I take the towel (I have no shame now) and start wiping off the buckets of baby oil and she comes over, grabs the towel and starts wiping off my back, "I no use too much!!!" She exclaims....Oh, my friend, I beg to differ.
I finally slide into my clothes and go to find N. N's mom finds me and asks why I finished early and I tell her apparently the machine broke. N's mom tells me this masseuse is supposed to give me the full hour regardless of the machine. I tell her, "No, don't worry. I told her no problem....Mafi mushkeela"
N's mom says, "She's Romanian, she doesn't speak English....or Arabic."
They offer to let me sit in the sauna or spa, but all I want to do is wash the baby oil of my skin and out of my hair, I was literally worried that I would slip away.
I don't want to complain because it was such a kind gesture, but I was praying to God as I was getting dressed and the prayer went something like this...
"Dear God,
Please give me the strength, patience and sense of humor to see this for what it is...a kind gesture and a FUNNY AS HELL STORY TO TELL PEOPLE!"
It was good that I went first, today was my co-worker's day off and I got to him in time to warn him to "Just say no thank you!"
I am in such pain today in my neck and lower back, I have a constant reminder of my experience as a piece of prime grade A beef.......
But sometimes you have to suffer for your art....now I can despite the pain, I have a funny story to tell about my lovely time in Kuwait.....