Why I Was Such a Good Bartender

So, for many years, I was a bartender. It was fun. I worked great hours, met awesome people and pretty much did whatever I wanted. I was a good bartender for a variety of reasons. First of all, I'm all personality; what I lacked in service skills, I made up for in humor. Secondly, I'm irreverant; the joke was almost always at my customer's expense. And lastly, I have the kind of face that people think they can just say anything to.
This last point leads me to two stories from my personal vault. Some people have an automatic kinship with animals and some with children. With me, it's always with the person you DON'T want to talk to you.
Below are just a couple of stories that prove my point.
EXHIBIT A
About 2 years ago, I went to the mall in Valencia. For those of you that know me, I'm not a frequenter of the mall. When I shop, I know what I want in my head, I go specifically to that store, buy it and leave. If it doesn't fit, I return it later. I can't be bothered to go hang out there. So on one such occasion, I had finished my quick shop and was leaving the mall after a successful purchase. I took the escalater up to the top floor exit (it's closed now, but if you're familiar with the Valencia Town Center it was the one between The Disney Store and Orange Julius). Anyway, as I ascended the escalator, I noticed a man sitting on a bench between the entrance to The Disney Store and the exit I was trying to reach. This man is a frequenter of this bench. He's in his late 20's or early 30's, extremely overweight and he is mentally retarded. As I got off the escalator, I made eye contact. Being the person I am I said, "Hello", in my most friendly and outgoing voice. I was raised to be kind to people.
The following description of what happened next is the absolute truth.
This man looked at me and at the top of his lungs began yelling, "YOU'RE A FAT BITCH! YOU'RE A FAT FUCKIN' BITCH! FUCK YOU BITCH!"
I was mortified. I started speed walking out the mall and was on the verge of tears when I made it to my car. I sat in my car and looked in the rearview mirror. The following thoughts came in rapid succession.
Thought #1
"Oh my God, everyone in that mall thinks I said something mean to provoke that poor man!"
Thought #2
"Oh, I feel horrible, he can't help himself"
and finally Thought #3
"OH MY GOD! What if that guy has insights to my soul and I AM a fat fucking bitch?"

EXHIBIT B
So, about a year ago, I was feeling super good! I felt like I had confidence written all over me. During a really productive and fun day at work, I took myself out to lunch. I went to one of my favorite places, PF Chang's at the Beverly Center. I brought a book, sat at the bar and read and ate my chicken fried rice. As I left, I remember feeling like life is good. I'm a stong, independent woman. As I was walking to my car, I got stopped at a stoplight and this woman stops next to me. I can only say she was a modern day gypsy. She looked very out of place in Beverly Hills (not that I blend), but she had shoulder length dark hair, weathered tan skin and she was wearing a skirt that would have made Stevie Nicks jealous. Anyway, she hands me a flyer and says "Do you want a reading?" Soooo, she's a psychic. I politely take her flyer and say, "No thank you, I have to go back to work."
My mother taught me manners people, but what happened next made me wish she hadn't!
This woman grabs my arm and says, "I see you!" I stop, she's a little scary and I'm frightened (and intrigued). What could she see?
"I see you!", she says again, "You don't have the luck with the sex with the mens!"
HOLY SHIT!
If she wanted me to pay her money to tell me that, she had another thing coming.
I'm an overweight, 36 year old woman who's had no plastic surgery in BEVERLY FUCKING HILLS! It doesn't take a psychic to see I couldn't get laid in that town!

So, members of the jury, I ask you, why do you think people feel they can humiliate me as I'm leaving a mall and walking to my car?

I think I have that certain something. Some people, like Dr Doolittle, have it for the animals. Some people, like my mom, have it for the kids. And I, have it for those people who don't have the power to keep it to themselves.

It's why I was a good bartender and it's just part of my charm!